Gone Paige Gone
My Paige who roars harmoniously as she falls into her sleep, her forever sleep.
Is Gone?
Forever?
No, not…
My sister, her luscious long hair, who gets Starbucks every morning. Who spends her whole day playing with her dog and is always making delicious food. Today is losing matter as she rots away. Paige.
In her heart she was pure, spotless. In her heart, she truly believed the world was good and corrupt people could be helped. In her heart, her family came first, not her biological family, her family family. In her heart music played as peacefully as a symphony. In her heart, she stepped passionately and blindly through life. In her heart, she believed. What she believed I’ll never know, but she believed.
My Paige, her eyes sparkling brown full of love, love like a puppy’s love. Her smile so, so kind. My Paige who is always up for an adventure. My Paige who roars peacefully as she falls into her sleep, her forever sleep.
Now the coffee shop down the street has one less customer. Now the dogs have one less person to love. Now the kitchen is silent. So silent that you can hear a needle fall, the silence so so painful. Now the smile is a frown and the sparkle has turned into a dull glow. So, so, so dull. My Paige who roars peacefully as she falls into her sleep, her forever sleep.
Paige. My sister. My best friend. Gone.
Maybe because she believed too vigorously, maybe because she had too much passion, maybe she was the least deserving, maybe because her eyes sparkled too much, maybe because the world wanted her to be more dull, less Paige. Maybe just maybe.
The pain I feel will never be comforted, or just justified, but maybe just maybe I’ll be okay. Paige. My sister. My best friend. Gone. Gone gone. The person who taught me everything. The person who influenced everything I do.
My Paige who roars harmoniously as she falls into her sleep, her forever sleep.
Is Gone?
Forever?
No, not…
My sister, her luscious long hair, who gets Starbucks every morning. Who spends her whole day playing with her dog and is always making delicious food. Today is losing matter as she rots away. Paige.
In her heart she was pure, spotless. In her heart, she truly believed the world was good and corrupt people could be helped. In her heart, her family came first, not her biological family, her family family. In her heart music played as peacefully as a symphony. In her heart, she stepped passionately and blindly through life. In her heart, she believed. What she believed I’ll never know, but she believed.
My Paige, her eyes sparkling brown full of love, love like a puppy’s love. Her smile so, so kind. My Paige who is always up for an adventure. My Paige who roars peacefully as she falls into her sleep, her forever sleep.
Now the coffee shop down the street has one less customer. Now the dogs have one less person to love. Now the kitchen is silent. So silent that you can hear a needle fall, the silence so so painful. Now the smile is a frown and the sparkle has turned into a dull glow. So, so, so dull. My Paige who roars peacefully as she falls into her sleep, her forever sleep.
Paige. My sister. My best friend. Gone.
Maybe because she believed too vigorously, maybe because she had too much passion, maybe she was the least deserving, maybe because her eyes sparkled too much, maybe because the world wanted her to be more dull, less Paige. Maybe just maybe.
The pain I feel will never be comforted, or just justified, but maybe just maybe I’ll be okay. Paige. My sister. My best friend. Gone. Gone gone. The person who taught me everything. The person who influenced everything I do.
My Paige who roars harmoniously as she falls into her sleep, her forever sleep.
The Square State
The state where the snow never disappears. The state where you are peaceful, truly peaceful. The state where outdoor activity is the most important. The state where all sides are equal and put in place, perfect place.
I stayed here. In this state, until the sky seemed too cloud-free, too open, too calm, too safe, too isolated. Until the equal walls needed to become unequal. Until the voices told me it was time to change, change schools, change friends, change zip codes, change phone numbers.
My parent’s voices.
The square state needed to change to a heart, uneven and confusing. Maybe the place I needed to be, maybe the place that would hurt me most.
Do hearts do more damage or fixing?
Isn't it better to just stay in this stable square state, instead of this unstable heart state?
The voice got louder and louder until I couldn’t hear anything else.
It's time to change.
It's time to change
It's time to change.
Change is good.
It will be okay.
Then and only then, I said Okay, I'm ready.
I left the square state and made my heart beat again.
The heart state, was mine. Unstable and scary.
My heart state.
Here I live differently, I live with full emotions showing, with all guards down. Here I don’t have equal sides. Here I love. Here I hate. Here I smile bigger. Here I cry, I cry oceans full of tears. Oceans, oceans, oceans are here in the heart state. They are one of those scary parts, the unstable part. The beautiful part.
My square state. My heart state.
My state.
I stayed here. In this state, until the sky seemed too cloud-free, too open, too calm, too safe, too isolated. Until the equal walls needed to become unequal. Until the voices told me it was time to change, change schools, change friends, change zip codes, change phone numbers.
My parent’s voices.
The square state needed to change to a heart, uneven and confusing. Maybe the place I needed to be, maybe the place that would hurt me most.
Do hearts do more damage or fixing?
Isn't it better to just stay in this stable square state, instead of this unstable heart state?
The voice got louder and louder until I couldn’t hear anything else.
It's time to change.
It's time to change
It's time to change.
Change is good.
It will be okay.
Then and only then, I said Okay, I'm ready.
I left the square state and made my heart beat again.
The heart state, was mine. Unstable and scary.
My heart state.
Here I live differently, I live with full emotions showing, with all guards down. Here I don’t have equal sides. Here I love. Here I hate. Here I smile bigger. Here I cry, I cry oceans full of tears. Oceans, oceans, oceans are here in the heart state. They are one of those scary parts, the unstable part. The beautiful part.
My square state. My heart state.
My state.
